Beauty and the Poof

“Hike” To the Hollywood Sign

Charles poked his head out of the car window, fluff whipping in the wind, as his mommy, Claudia, searched violently for a decent parking spot. He could see it already: the Hollywood sign. Iconic and impressive, it was the perfect destination for his second date with Cleo.




The car finally stopped, and Charles bounced in boyish anticipation as Claudia gathered their supplies and leashed him up. Ahh, thought Charles as they strolled toward the trail head, the perfect weather for a great hair day, cool and dry! 

As they got closer, Claudia started looking around impatiently. Where are they, worried Charles. They sat down and waited. 

About ten minutes later, a shrill cry from afar traveled faintly into Charles’s ultra-sensitive canine ears. He perked up. Was it a tired baby? A dying rat? Or was it– 

Cleo. Like a supermodel stepping onto the runway, the most magnificent, most beautiful pitbull in the world came into view alongside her mommy, Aleks.

Charles swooned. Damn, that girl can strut! He adjusted his tail-poof, wiped the sleepies from his eyes, and prepared to greet his love-to-be. As soon as they got in sniffing distance of each other, tails, tongues and leashes alike whipped around furiously. 

“Padooooooooo the loverrrrrrrs!!!” Aleks invented a language for communicating with dogs, meant to be spoken in the highest notes emitted by the human voice. In truth, Charles couldn’t understand a word, but there was something musical and energizing about it that he enjoyed; besides, it helped announced Cleo’s arrival. 

“Let’s go before it starts to get hot,” said Claudia. And they were off. 

Charles had thought about this hike all week: how he would show off his stamina and agility to his princess, how he would clean her eyes when it got dusty, how they would cuddle in the shade when they needed a water break. Cleo, on the other hand, approached this event with anxiety. While she knew she had a rockin’ body, she was best friends with her mommy’s bed, and a little out of shape for it. Already, at the start of the trail, she was beginning to pant heavily and daydream of pillows, many pillows.


She wanted to make a great impression, but she couldn’t bear it any longer; about 10 minutes up the trail, she plopped her booty right on to the ground and simply muttered “No,” staring stubbornly into her mother’s eyes. 

“Cleeeeeeeooo is the lover tireeeeed?” Aleks removed a water bottle from her backpack and poured some into her hand for Cleo to lap up. Cleo hung her head, drowned in shame, but too defeated to push any farther. Charles pranced gracefully over in concern. 


“Baby? Baby what’s wrong? Did something happen?” Cleo replied with nothing but a sigh. “Seriously, baby, you can tell me anything! I’m here for you.”

“To be honest…. I’m a lounger. I lounge. You seemed so excited to take me here so I couldn’t say no but… this is just too much for me. I’m so sorry!” 

“Cleo, darling, you should have said so! You want to lounge? I’ll lounge with you. You want to play? I’ll play with you. Heck, if you wanted a bath, I’d even jump in the tub with you. You’re perfect the way you are, and I just want to make you happy.”

A tear ran down Cleo’s face, which Charles immediately kissed off. He then kissed her nose, her ears, her whole face. She was just so amazing. 

The pack turned around, and while their mommies went to brunch to discuss silly human matters, Cleo and Charles spent the rest of the day in bed.

Lounging. Happy.

Beauty and the Poof

First Date

After making months of persistent (and often erotic) advances with no reciprocation from the bootylicious Cleo, Charles decided that, perhaps, his darling was a more traditional lady doge. A lady doge who took her time, because she knew she was worth it. He turned back the dial, and began to woo her slowly: snuggling, cleaning her ears, and whispering stories to her for hours, often all night long. Eventually, Cleo caved into going on a date with her energetic suitor.

Charles, vibrating with joy from the shock of Cleo’s acceptance, and knowing this would be the most important date of his life, wracked his brain for ideas. Inspiration (or was it divine intervention?) thrust him into a memory of Cleo mentioning that her mommy loved Dave & Buster’s. He knew she was sneakily dropping a hint.

Keeping the destination secret, Charles took Cleo out for pizza. When they finished, he slowly led her up the stairs at Hollywood and Highland.

He watched Cleo’s eyes diligently, which became even bigger and lovelier as her radiant excitement quickly engulfed her.



On arrival, Cleo forgot to play coy – shaking her whole body back and forth in happiness. The new couple spent the night playing all the games, every single one. Cleo realized that men might not be so bad after all. As Charles won his 100th consecutive round of Dance Dance Revolution,


Cleo realized she might be falling in love.




She went to the bathroom and secretly rolled around on her back, scratching and twisting with happiness.




When the night was coming to an end, Charles asked Cleo on a second date. He couldn’t help but notice the glowing happiness shining from her eyes.



Meet the Maid of Honor


Bella Visser

A dedicated piece written by Aleks Visser, Cleo’s mommy

Age: 7.5 years

Breed: Terrier mix

Once upon a time, Bella was a little puppy in a window who her future mommy saw and just could not resist. Although originally adopted against the wishes of her soon-to-be grandparents, Bella quickly managed to charm the entire family, making them slaves to her every whim. She soon became queen of the neighborhood – then dog regent of greater Los Angeles. She cared about only one thing: power.

There was only one dog who had long been prophesied to break her dark curse – her step-sister Cleo.

After the casualties of Bella’s growling reached terrifying levels, the dogs of Los Angeles united in one final battle and managed to force a meeting between the stepsisters. Even those most devoted to the prophesy were amazed when Bella’s cold heart melted, and she ran to cuddle with sweet Cleo. The dark curse was instantly lifted from the land, and the dogs lived in harmony and peace.

It is with pleasure that we announce the only dog Cleo would ever choose as her maid of honor – her best friend, Bella.

Beauty and the Poof

The Proposal

The nighttime breezes brushed Charles’s fur as he sat in the dark, waiting. Waiting as he had been for months. Waiting for a special moment. The most special moment of his life.

Suddenly, he heard pawsteps coming from down the alleyway. Out of the shadows emerged a muscular figure, certainly a pitbull or mastiff mix, though Charles wouldn’t dare ask.

“You got the cash?” The beast’s rumbling voice echoed violently off the walls, even though he was clearly making an effort to whisper. Charles pushed the stack of bills toward the giant without hesitation. A sum enough to buy weeks’ worth of organic biscuits. He then pushed over a small, mysterious pouch.


“The map of the area is inside; I need you to sneak in tonight and hide the goods exactly where marked, with precision. Leave no trace, and I’ll add in another 50% after the job is done.” Small and vulnerable as he was, Charles still spoke with confidence in the presence of the mighty beast. He barely even blinked when the large paw thumped down on the cash, pulling it away.

“Consider it done.” And the beast slipped back into the shadows.

The dog park was chaotic as ever. Packs zooming around in a frenzied sprint, strangers sniffing butts and making acquaintances, owners chasing their humping “children.” Charles was waiting in the cool shadow of a small, lonely tree when Cleo finally arrived at the gate with her sister, Scarlet.

“My love!” yapped Charles, heart fluttering with anticipation. Cleo ran over, and the couple kissed and frolicked for a few minutes.

“You’re amazing Cleo. Amazingly sexy, amazingly kind. And you know what you do amazingly as well? Dig holes. Word on the street is, that asshole Retriever who walks around like he owns the park buried his favorite bone right by that bush over there… I’m too small to dig that deep. Would you help me get it out?”

“Yes, yes, yes my love, I am passionate about holes and passionate about you! Right away!” Cleo sprinted to the spot that Charles pointed out and immediately got to work.


Dirt flew every which way, spraying a few unsuspecting loiterers. It didn’t take long for the hole to get sufficiently deep… and suddenly, something in the depths caught the sunlight, and shined into Cleo’s eyes.

“What is this? I don’t think this is a bone, Charles…” said Cleo. No, it wasn’t a bone. It was a large ring. While her face had been buried in the hole with focus, Charles had taken the opportunity to grab a hidden rose and bring it to his lover, bowing down. The special moment had finally come.


Cleo gasped as she spotted her poofball staring up at her with intense love.

“Baby, you dug a hole to my heart, and I dig you. I want to take this journey with you to China and beyond. Will you marry me?”

Not a second went by before Cleo leaned down to her lover, licked his face like a jumbo-sized ice cream cone, and screamed:


Charles helped her put the ring on, and all the bitches at the park glared on in envy as Cleo pranced around with the glow of a happily engaged young woman.